In a radical move from the Vatican, part-time Archbishop Donald Thisbit told Reuters reporters this morning, “It is time to take a program that has worked effectively for 6,000 years and adapt it to a changing world. ‘Abstinence Only’ has defeated AIDS; ‘Abstinence Only’ has cured deformed relationship patterns, and the Vatican today believes that education itself may only need abstinence.”

Beginning next week, Catholic schools across the world will begin burning all textbooks which are deemed to present a non-abstinent way of thinking. Speaking of their large biology labs, Sister Angela of the St. Phillipe’s Immaculate Wrath school offered, “This news comes as a relief. For too long we’ve had to teach all of the things that can happen in a biological system. Now, students only need to know what shouldn’t happen. High school graduations can start, Pope approving, in the 2nd grade.”

Unresolved in this mornings news, however, was the issue of animal abstinence. Confused area children pondered, “Mommy, why is there a chicken/egg debate?”