HEADLINES: Mullis Sightings in Hong-Kong Continue (page 7)

HEADLINES: Canadian Mounties Make Progress in Securing Baghdad (page 9)

Canadian officials announced early this morning that the first mission of their recent deployed Mounties was a complete success. Arnold Phlankaster told Press this morning, “Our Mounties arrived, secured their objective, and are now in positive control of Baghdad proper.” Surprisingly, with no casualties on either side…

HEADLINES: Area Man Declares World Peace (page 1)

ENTERTAINMENT: Die Hard–With a Mullis

COVER STORY: Army Introduces Revolutionary “Train-As-We-Fight” Program

Unveiled during a recent raid conducted by 2ACR troops in the An Najaf area of Iraq, Regimental Commander Harold Zimms announced, “Prior to this event, we have trained as we fight; but henceforth, we will train AS we fight.” SPC Donald Thisbit commented, “It sounded a little complicated at first, but after the first few minutes it becomes second nature. During last night’s raid, I completed two correspondance courses and my yearly Equal Opportunity training. To top it off, we captured a key Sadr lieutenant.” Zimms revealed a complex program to Press members detailing a variety of options for soldiers, including advanced computer-based training, basic soldier training, benefits and legal advice, as well as numerous other courses. “We must maximize our time on the ground. We should not only kill the enemy but edify our soldiers’ minds as we do it.”

SGT Rudolph Humphrey told a different story; however, as he described his experience in last night’s raid. “Yeah, they say you get to choose; but I got stuck with Trigonometry during the heat of the battle. Between solving for “x” and trying to hog tie our captive, I forgot to take the absolute value of “y”…and let’s just say I don’t think the results are entirely my fault. I’d like a retest on our next raid, but I just know they’ll give me ancient Chinese history instead.”

--Associated Press