The time will come, dear friends, when I shall be forced to recount the long stories of my youth spent in the desert, wandering through the wasteland, journeying toward purpose and mission and Baghdad. And lo! did I there arrive, observe, and subjugate. But in the days and years to come, from the comfort of an easy chair, I may allow myself to recount a few words about my experiences, some of which are still in the proverbial oven, and puffing a bit on one of Tennessee’s finer pipe-tobaccos, I will spare a few, meaningful phrases about the hardships, the difficult victories, speaking at no long length of pain and loss.

“Imagine,” I will begin, “that you’ve stopped to stare the Enemy (aka those who have been liberated) square in the face. You can sense the evil in him, for he wants $14 for a case of cold cokes, and you only have $12. What do you do? How do you wrestle with these kinds of despair?”

“Once,” I’ll say, “the Enemy (aka those who have been liberated) almost prevented me escape with my life. I ordered a pizza from him, with all the toppings. ‘Supreme,’ I think we used to say? But the Enemy (aka those who have been liberated) came back with only half the toppings, 45 minutes late. How can you conquer this sort of enemy?”

So you see dear friends, though I have not revealed all–certainly not, for the nation’s security is at stake; but that my trials have not been few. Oh no. The constant sweating, the flies, the venerable roaches, the inscrutable mosquitos, the lingering humidity–let us not cast a scornful eye upon these adversaries; for they are not mere trifles to be laughed at, whilst you recline indoors, drinking expensive coke.

Alas, I will not have email again for some time; though I would, naturally encourage all replies. I am safe; though I would caution you not to rely too heavily upon these false pretenses of security that the media displays–for as you can glean from my descriptions above, we are in combat, quiet and constant against a determined foe. A foe who wants far more than his products are worth.

At any rate, I miss home. I cannot wait to return there again. Stay safe, for danger abounds everywhere.

Humbly yours.